Some Not-So-Current Issues

I'm away from "artificial" home for almost 3 weeks now. Artificial. Home. Home. Artificial. My home is artificial. I don't have a home. I have a house to stay in but I don't have a home. Home is different from a house, Home is the soul of the house. Makati is my home. It used to be my home. Makati is a place. A place is a special space where it all began. I was mold there. Therefore, Makati is a place I considered home.

I'm away from home for almost 3 weeks now. I miss the coffee maker and jazz. I miss the crooked stairs, comfortable silence and liberty of smoking all over the place. I miss the good mornight pasta with a friend and an indulgement of chips, liquors and icecream. I miss the chaos around the street from Aling Ludy's habitual early morning sweeping to the late night dancing of teenage bummers and it's bystanders audience.

I should be missing a person, family perhaps but I guess when something that was so good turns to bad, it becomes depressing, then you have to create a wonderful world.

By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired. -- Franz Kafka

Dear God, I looked forward to April.

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So here comes work. I used to meet Dolly at Barrio Fiesta every working day, me running late, grinning and making excuses asking what her baon is. I missed that too. A 10 to 15-minute jeepney ride and voila! Now, I uncomfortably walked under the wicked sun pretending I was walking on sand even if it feels like walking past millions of cactuses around the place sweating and panting like a dog struggling for an oasis. I sometimes stop and admire the busy place while I smile to anyone who needs it. I'm taking LRT to MRT on my way to work. I'm not complaining about the travel because this is the only way I can be with my GF, it's the work that gets me, crawling to my nerves from hitting metrics to everyday updates which contains wonderful work of disney with no increase and unbelievable policies like you'll think twice of peeing and go to work with a catheter on. This is exactly what I feel everytime I realized I'm on my way to the BIG W.

There are days when I can hardly make it out of bed. I find it an effort to speak. I measure progress in steps, the next one and the next one, as far as the bathroom. These steps are major accomplishments. I focus on taking the cap off the toothpaste, getting the brush up to my mouth. I have difficulty lifting my arm to even do that. I feel I am without worth, that nothing I can do is of any value, least of all to myself… I am a busy person, in theory. There are things to be done, although none of them are things I want to do. – Margaret Atwood, Cat’s Eye