TV

It’s been a year since I was last updated to current news. Our TV was only good for DVDs and the small (as in literally small) black and white TV/radio made me lose my interest from watching because of the bad signal. I am not familiar with anything that is new except when people around me make it as a topic, or it became a fad or associated with something/someone.

It pains me not to be updated. Nakakabobo and you look dumb infront of other people. You don’t get to share your thoughts, your opinions, your voice.

I am not familiar with Pinoy Henyo and I happen to know it now because it was being played through trainings as an icebreaker and my buddy and her sister joined that show in Eat Bulaga.

The Katrina Halili-Hayden Kho scandal was one of our “how’s-your-day-at-work-honey” dinner topic.

The celebrity hookups, celebrity breakups, the latest commercials that creates an impact, the catchy lines that they get from watching was used to me by my seatmate and the only reaction that I can give is ‘huh?!” like I’ve given her the a face that has a big red question mark splat on my face and she was like “don’t you watch TV” and I go explain to her what I wrote in paragraph 1.


So there, people. I’m dumb regarding current news and I wouldn’t be surprised if I failed the Civil Service Exams.

Last Monday when I was home, Malou aka Sam told me that Cory Aquino was brought to Manila Cathedral and they passed Makati City and stayed there for awhile at Ninoy Aquino’s monument to pray. That answered my question about the unreasonable traffic along Pasong Tamo going to Buendia, There were yellow ribbons on cars, trees and confetti all over the pavement. I just felt sad because that very day I thought I was robbed of a chance of seeing another major event broadcasted on national TV.

The first was the death of Francis M. He’s the Pinoy’s coolest rapper and the inventor of Philippine Flag shirts where he used his influence to bring back patriotism to the Filipino people. I love him because he’s maka-Pinoy and I am maka-Pinoy. Remember his song “Mga Kababayan Ko”? – it appears to be a modern version of El Filibusterismo. Astig ‘di ba? He made an impact through his craft, injecting nationalism in his music for the Filipino people without them realizing it. Ayon nga kay Ivy - huwow!

I was riding on a bus going to work when there’s a segment from Eat Bulaga about him. That’s when I realize he died already and I was 3 days late from the news.




Second was the death of Michael Jackson. The news was in a form of a forwarded text so I was in doubt if it was true. The news was shocking. It left my mind in a haze and it took 24 hours before it finally sunk in. This is the King of Pop you’re talking about! The news was totally ‘Off the Wall’ and all this time I thought he’s ‘Invincible’. He might be ‘Bad’ and ‘Dangerous’ to little boys in some ways but when he sings, it’s enchanting! Every move, every word, every line that he sings is magical. Singing with feelings is magical. Everything that you do that comes from the heart turns out to be magical and that’s what he is.

It might be a ‘Thriller’ for weeks as fans all over the world mourned his death. Even to his last breath, he created a ‘History’.




The latest one is the death of Cory Aquino. I was six when she became the first female President of the Philippines. I was playing at the backyard, dicing fortune plants pretending it was a vegetable. My lola heard the news about the EDSA revolution and she told me that another war is coming and led me to the living room to watch the news on TV. She was so scared that she wanted me to sit right next to her and actually be with her wherever she goes. She thinks that a tora-tora will drop a bomb at her house any minute.

I witnessed everything through our colored Sony TV. The old ones, the youth, the businessmen, the nurses, the doctors, the lawyers, the activists, the politicians, the police, the students, the priests, the nuns, the children. For the first time, it made the world stop because at this very second, no matter what you are, who you are, how much you’re earning is not the basis or the importance of being there. It’s being One with the Filipino people. As they hold each other’s hand to form a human barricade, they created unity. As they fought their way to one goal, discrimination was never an issue. As they chanted their prayers, religious fights were overshadowed, When the soldiers dropped their weapons, they showed love and compassion. Because that day in 1986, even for a day, we became brothers and sisters, and to me that was the time we were in heaven.

Cory Aquino led the people, and yes, she is a woman, she is a Filipino. When she talked, she made it sure that she was heard and that’s what happened at the US Congress. I became a patriot because of her, because of what I saw. This kind of revolution was used by other Asian countries afterwards but with no success. I am proud that I am part of this country and that I witnessed and became part of the history.



So there again, I could say that having a cabled TV is important and I hope you’re reading this Germaine. We need cable TV and the “how’s-your-day-honey” dinner talk is not enough.

I want to point out as well why Filipino people buy CDs of Francis M. and Michael Jackson after they died. Will you also buy EDSA Revolution soundtrack CD just in case?


Since I’m a Filipina and I have Filipino traits let me give you MY lists of my favorite songs from these three events.

In Frances M., his songs made me remember his name.
In Michael Jackson’s, his name made me remember his songs
The important thing was that they left something that will last for a lifetime.

MY LISTS:

Francis M. Lists:

1. Cold Summer Nights
2. Girl Be Mine
3. Kaleidoscope World

Michael Jackson Lists:

1. I Just Can’t Stop Loving You
2. The Girl Is Mine
3. Human Nature
4. Gone To Soon
5. She’s Out Of My Life
6. You Are Not Alone

Cory Aquino and the EDSA Revolution:

1. Magkaisa
2. Bayan Ko

Now and Then

March 12, 2009

I’m on my training now. I find myself alone. I looked like a drab loner with a heavy problem of being an outcast.

My batchmates told me “Magsalita ka naman”
The other one told the others “Gusto nga nya mapunta sa non-voice account eh”

Yeah…Terrific!

I keep on memorizing pages of manuals. By the time I settled myself on the bus, I took out the reviewers and memorize. Never did I study this hard before, not when I was in college, nor in my highschool, not even in my gradeschool.

I remember crying with Jenny Gallegos on the hallway when we were in highschool. We have a periodical test in history and we were cramming ourselves memorizing the exact places of each provinces on the Philippine map. The names of the heroes and the dates they were brutally executed were even harder. Ayaw pumasok sa isip naming dalawa eh kahit nag-essence of chicken na’ko nun pare! Wa eh! Wa-epek! I hate history as much as I hate math. Funny how I can now easily memorize the US map, the airport codes and its cities and have a perfect score. What is the difference between taking the exam now and way back in highschool? Mas matindi siguro ang need of survival ngayon kesa noon kasi ngayon pinaghihirapan ang pera hindi tulad noon hinihingi lang ang pera, hay..

The Job

March 12


Last Wednesday, 4th of March, I finally decided to find a job. I rode a bus from Kamuning that took me 20 useless minutes standing in front of pink and blue waiting shed that was provided by Metro Gwapo boys. I looked around for a window seat that was located in the middle of the bus. I stared blankly to the billboard scenery. Everything is the same as it used to be: polluted, greenless, bumper to bumper traffic city. Nothing spectacular. Nothing special.

I find myself wrapped up with hundreds of applicants inside the room waiting to be called.

“Isang mahabang pila, mabagal at walang katapusan”
- Earaserheads

There were two interviews and 4 exams. My brain turns to mash. I’m hungry, cranky and my level of patience goes down to zero. From 11:00am – 11:00 pm of maximum screening, I end up looking like a rape victim.

The salary, benefits and compensation that were offered was rewarding though the requirements are too complex. Rewarding yet nerve-wrecking.

Life again is oxymoron.

I drank with Ivy like useless bystander ranting about how inconvenient the day was. I joyously drank forgetting about the medical exam the following day.

Medical Exam:

Repeat Chorus:

“Isang mahabang pila, mabagal at walang katapusan”
- Earaserheads

Yeeha!
1. The clinic is clean.
2. The clinic is spotless.
3. The clinic is gleaming.

Oh no!
1. They make me pee on a specimen bottle and on a large gravy size plastic cup.
2. There was a scarcity of tissue or just another cost-cutting issue.
3. The clinic was located outside the vicinity of roads and highways and walking under the angry sun was an only option. My BP turned out to be 160/110 and I was advised to see a cardiologist, how cute!
4. The lady doctor stuck her finger on my virgin ass.
5. They didn’t inform me that it took 3 hours to get the pregnancy test. I sat there waiting na tipong tinutubuan na ko ng ugat. They should have informed me because I can still use the time to get other requirements. Yan ang hirap pagnagkatrabaho e, ikaw na ang naghahabol sa oras hindi tulad nung bum ako e oras pa ang naghahabol sa akin. Sa sobrang badtrip ko e sinabi ko sa receptionist ay ganito:
“Miss alam kong SOP ang pregnancy test, but I can guarantee you that I’m not pregnant kasi una, single ako at pangalawa lesbiana ako” – e di tapos!

Anticipatedly Waiting

March 1, 2009

I made the choice. I am beginning to climb the first step of the new change in my life. I am in the process of making the whole new me, from housewife to a career woman, from pauper to prince, from drab to dazzling! Though the stupid horoscope tells me that my fortune is weak and my future is dim until the month of June, I made my choice to at least try no matter how terrified I am. I just wish that CHANGE are easier to achieve like the story of Snooky Serna’s “blusang itim” where everything can be settled as soon as she wears the magical black blouse. However, I will take everything slowly, carefully feeling every bump and hump on the road just like how Rustom Padilla turned into Bebe Gandanghari. I wish I could adapt so easily.

Ang dami kong sinabi. All I want to say is that I’m preparing for a job interview tomorrow. Yes, I am preparing like a dimwit. I even bought Susan Valentin’s Career Guide for Job-Seeker’s book at the Book Sale for fifty three pesos all for the heck of it! My partner brought some materials that will help me “enhance” the knowledge of properly answering job interview questions. It’s actually helpful and she’s giving me a mock interview.

Anyway, this thing that I’m doing was anticipated by everyone except me since I believe that being a housewife is a career and that I still dream to be a rich woman’s housewife. Since things didn’t work out as I planned, I’m hatefully doing the interview tomorrow.

Open Letter

January 17 2009

I confessed to Almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters that I lied. It’s my dad’s 51st birthday and I greeted him with a lie. I lie about having a job and I lie about rocky like the way he lied about his age. Lying becomes a daily habit like brewing coffee every morning. Sometimes lying is a comfort blanket, covering you from cold shoulders, freezing stares and chilling truths. I even lie to myself as often as I bite my nails. I confused lying for comfort to in-denial for self-assurance.

I lie for so many reasons. I lie to prevent disappointments, loss of faith, stress and heartbreak. I lie to others, for others and for myself.

Undelivered Letter:

Dear Pop,

I’m scared of you. I’m scared of you since the day you spanked me so hard that my mouth bled when I was four. I’m scared of knowing that you have something good in your balik-bayan box for everyone except me. I’m scared to tell you that I didn’t do it and I’m begging you to listen but instead I let you punished me in front of my cousins. I’m scared to know that I will be left out as soon as you’re going to remarry. I’m scared to tell you that I am being mistreated by your new wife. I’m scared to tackle my insecurities about my sister. I’m scared to talk about equalities regarding my issues on maids. I’m scared to confront you when I know I’ve done something wrong and that gives me a concrete belief that with you, and only you, I lose my voice. I’m scared like you are scared of how I’ve become, a lesbian.

I’m at the age of being independent and still, being scared did not outgrow me. You and I are trying to make up for those times and yet, expensive stuffs, humorous talks, bottles of whiskey and Sunday visits are still insufficient, memories are scarred and traumatic. We talked about honesty but I planted a seed of lies and every opportune time it grows and bears fruits to satisfy your perfect taste of what is really me. I am still scared and I’m sorry.

I wanted to tell you that I’m always unhappy. I’m difficult to live with and often times I am treated unfairly. My credibility was low as my self-esteem. I am jobless and I am too lazy to find one. I’m having a hard time of finding a home and love and that makes me more unhappy. I decided to keep Rocky, the mini pincher that I promised to give you for your birthday because I found comfort in him during my miserable time. I soon found out that childhood trauma is still haunting me and I’ve been experiencing it over and over in different people and different situations. Wherever I go it is still there, the violence and brutality of human nature.

I guess my tales of lies are much better than the honest ones. It gives us paradise that we longed for. The stories I made up about love, a good career, and a furnished home gives you an affirmation of my stability and it saves you from shame, disappointments and heartbreak because still I am your eldest daughter, and that I care, and I love you and I always want a smile on your face because every now and then I remember your musky scent, your heavy footsteps, those motorcycle rides, silly photographs and the warm of your embrace. I see you everytime I look in the mirror and wished I could be as successful as you. Like you, I’m still dreaming of a family portrait, something to tell yourself that somehow you belong into something, and behind those smiles are pure love and honesty. A family portrait of your own and a family portrait of mine that I could proudly hang on my living room walls and a big one, a picture of our family, your family and my family in big shot that is in harmony like how politicians do for yearly calendars. Hopes make us believe in possibilities and I still have them with me. I am still longing that you will be proud of me someday.

Those smiles that you have on your birthday makes me happy and it makes me less sinful for lying. I love you Pop and happy birthday!

Pills 2

THIS IS ANOTHER OLD BLOG ENTRY DATED 2008

I remember, when my father and my aunt found out that I’m a lesbian, they brought me to a psychiatrist at Makati Medical Center. They thought, like the Catholic Church, that this is a problem. This is unacceptable. This is unholy and this is insanity.

I was brought in early in the morning, mid week, three years ago. The halls smelled of alcohol, medicines, gloves and syringe. The eerie feeling of suffering bodies and lost souls fills the air. The familiarity of the place creeps in. I remember how I spent month after month and year after year in this hospital. I remember my grandparents in this place. I remember death. Death is not a good feeling to associate with what they want me to do here. Not now. It was never calming.

The doctor was a lady in her forties. That’s what I thought, judging by the way she chose her clothes. The room was decorated with a lot of effort. From wallpapers to her carpet, even the furniture that was chosen creates an image of serenity. Clients who are confused and unnerved by instinct will seek something to make them feel relaxed, comfortable and occupied. I am one of the clients. I did the room searching and choose the aquarium with a big fat fish making a “clug-clug” sound over the playful painting to just at least occupy my mind and lessen the tension that was building up.

The doctor’s first question was, “Why are you here?”
And I said, “I don’t know.”
“How can I be of help?” she asked.
I replied again, “I don’t know.”
And these two questions and my similar response goes on and on for 10 minutes. The doctor gave up and let my aunt in.

My aunt told the doctor carefully, “She’s been drinking everyday and the alcohol makes her so loud and uncontrollable that it bothers the neighbors”

Who was the meddling neighbor anyway? I thought, ano to, pauso?

Is it because of my voice when I started singing “I Will Survive” over the videoke at midnight? Wait ‘til I found out who you are and I’ll make it sure that YOU WILL BE BOTHERED!

“And I think that it all started when my mother died.” My aunt continued. “You see doctor, she lived with her after her parents separation and I think she can’t stand the pain, is there anything you can do?” she asked.

“Is this all true?” the lady doctor asked with a narrowing eyes.

“I don’t know”, was all I can say.

“And there’s one more, she has a girlfriend. She’s actually having a relationship with a girl…”, my aunt adds.

“Is this true?”, asked the doctor.

Of all the I-don’t-knows that came out of my mouth, this is the only confirmation she gets for the whole session.

“Yes, I am a lesbian.”

The doctor said to my aunt and my father that I do have a problem that needs to be taken care of or maybe she only wanted the consultation money. She looked at her calendar and scheduled me for another session. She began prescribing me a pill as small as a chocolate chip with a smiley face on the box as if trying to tell me that it will make me happy as soon as I take it and I will be lesbian-free.

This is always the problem about the pill. It always promises you something. You and the people around you believe.

I swallow the tiny pill and waited for it to work. I expected it to weave a happy thought that could run for a day. Maybe it would make me loose my interest in girls, but instead, it made me high and nauseous.

In the middle of my shift, while talking to an old American lady who was desperately buying Suzzane Summer’s gaucho pants in amber, size S/M, which at that time was sold out, the “anti-lesbian” pill kicked in. I immediately finished my call, ran to the comfort room, dashed to the nearest cubicle and clumsily locked the vandalized door. I almost kneel at the dirty tiles and then puked all the food that I ate during break time. This particular pill wrapped on a decorated smiley face box with a promise of making you happy and lesbian-free made me sick for the rest of the day. I wasn’t able to finish my shift. The nurse sent me home to take a rest. The pill broke my aunt’s heart because it didn’t cure the fact that I am a lesbian. It robbed my father’s wallet because it cost 4,000 pesos. It made me so unhappy because I disappointed them by not taking it anymore and made me ditch the next session. The pill ruined my dignity at the office because the nurse thought that I was pregnant and the news flies to different departments.

Pills

THIS IS AN OLD BLOG ENTRY DATED 2008 AND ME BEING A BUM

I woke up late in the morning at about 10:30 am. I popped some pills to make me feel good- some Ibuprofen and Vitamin E, and oh yeah, that slimming pill that I’ve been taking since last November. Pills are supposed to make you feel better and some should make you look good. However, most pills disappoint you and worst, rob you. The slimming pills that I’ve been taking are expensive and I still weigh like a mother whale. I should be the one to blame anyway because I found the box catchy. The words written behind the box were promising, like a marriage vow or something, yet the lying pill failed me. Dear Pill, I believe you.

If you think that the slimming pill deceived me, wait until you hear the story of the Vitamin E. This pill is extremely expensive. I should take it everyday and pop another to put it on my face but since crisis is severely hitting the world, I would rather take necessities or vices like beer or cigarettes.

Last week, when I was drinking with friends, Jam, a pregnant drinking buddy of mine told me that my skin, particularly my face, looked smooth and like a L’oreal ad or something, luminescent. I told her about the pill. When I got home, I realized that I haven’t been taking Vitamin E for two weeks already. Now it hit me. It’s not the Vitamin E that’s miraculously working on my now younger skin. It’s the new regimen that I’ve been doing for the last five months.

My Regimen:

• Sleep at least 8 hours a day.
• Drink plenty of water especially after you woke up.
• Go out only at night.
• Don’t go to polluted areas.
• Don’t take a bath regularly.
• Drink alcohol at least once a week.

Explanation:

The secret is I don’t go to work.

1. Whether I sleep late or not, I make it sure that I get at least 8 hours of sleep even if I wake up so very late.

2. Since one of my leisure is alcohol, I tend to be very thirsty in the morning and was able to drink a pitcher of cold water in one go.

3. Ivory’s schedule changed to morning shift so the party always starts at night. I also have this concept na hindi ako tuyo para magpakabilad sa initan ng araw, haleeeer!

4. On slack days, I locked myself inside the house. The polluted air coming from the vehicles don’t affect my pores since I don’t go to work. Evening travels are much better as well since it is less polluted.

5. When I was still working, I remember blogging about how I love Sundays. Sundays means rebel day. And rebel day means not taking a bath. And now that everyday seems like always a rebel day, I don’t take a bath regularly especially if I don’t feel like to. The good thing about it is that the natural moisture from the skin stays in your body, making you looked younger and supple.

6. Lastly, maybe the alcohol has something to do about it. Maybe the germs are being sanitized like how a rubbing alcohol does to a wound, but this one is a lot better, because it works on the inside like Vitamin E.

Conclusion:

I therefore conclude that Vitamin E is expensive and that if you’re going to be more resourceful, you’ll find other ways of making your skin healthier. I also found out that while this is a mere fact about Vitamin E, there are also a lot of positive side effects about it. Vitamin E oftentimes helps a relationship. Since this pill makes you horny, it gives you a chance to patch things up with a lover, even for a short period of time. It also calm the nerves and stimulates the mind, you know what I mean.

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.

I got this from here and God, it made me cry..