Dogs are better than kids because they:

• they eat less 
• don't ask for money all the time
• are easier to maintain
• normally come when called
• never ask to drive the car
• don't hang out with drug-using friends
• don't smoke or drink
• don't have to buy the latest fashions
• don't want to wear your clothes
• don't need gazillion pesos for college and
• if they get pregnant, you can sell their children, yeah!

This is a photo of mio, my baby dog
from my tumblr: http://alienphilosophies.tumblr.com/

Routine

There’s this illness that Germaine was telling me about. It’s what she called headache weather and it hit me yesterday in uncomfortable pain. It was when you’re experiencing hot and humid Sunday morning and later at noon the weather changed giving you cold windy rain that hits your window pane. It was the pressure, she explained. I hated the word pressure in every sense, whether it was used in a sentence or a paragraph. The word can even be used alone. It was always associated with the word stress.

So there, I am so unhappy waking at 4:55 Monday morning where I wasted my whole Sunday off by popping headache pills and sleeping. I did not accomplish anything. I feel that I wasted one day of my human time. I didn’t have the chance to do what was planned which I hated the most. I didn’t get the chance to go home to Makati where both of my parents lived. I didn’t get to see my niece where she’s on a stage na nagingilala. You know how babies are, they grow so fast. I just wanted to be part of everything.

I am tempted to excuse myself from work today but every penny counts nowadays. That’s where my other least favorite word comes in, responsibility.

Anyway, waking up at four in the morning every Monday was how I begin my weekday. I woke up with my dog, Mio. I boiled water for an instant coffee and booted on the laptap for some writing. Then I get bored and watched some shows from the six-inched black and white spare TV while playing some computer games. Then I prepare breakfast while waiting for the manicurist. Then at noon, I will force myself to sleep because I need to go to work in the evening. My dog will wake me up at exactly 6:00 pm whether I like it or not and starting to get ready for work.

In an hour, I find myself driving along Commonwealth Avenue where tragic death is always nearby.

At work, I immediately turn on the computer to log in because that’s where my salary lies. I only have thirty to twenty minutes before I will be tagged as late. The system takes forever to upload.

I will wait for my buddy to log in, then we’ll go down to have a chat and coffee. As soon as we reached our stations, we try to hit the daily quotas up until 6:00 am and occasionally extending some hours.

I will go home experiencing stress again by driving along Commonwealth Avenue where drivers raced with each other like they were in Timezone and people crossing the wide highway as if their lives are worth nothing. These people are either lazy to use the government provided footbridge or as usual, these facilities are just not strategically located.

As soon as I reached home, I will do what was written in paragraph four. It is all routinary. That’s why I wanted to do something different every weekends. I’m not asking for something extreme, but moving and breathing on a different environment with different people, especially people you care about the most makes it worthwhile.

Of Music, Mondays and Adobo

It was the music; the coolness of the voice that blends well with different musical instruments that filled the air this Monday morning. Maybe it was the busted TV, or the spare six-inch TV in black and white, or the nonsense TV shows that made me open the forgotten old dusty radio and put it in a not too soft, not too loud volume.

It was tuned in to 106.7 Dream FM. I hardly recommend anything over the internet since I don’t get paid for the free advertisement, but the music was calming. It made me feel the atmosphere of a Friday night at a high-rise condo; preparing a simple dinner with friends or loved ones, setting the table with flowers and candles and a bottle of champagne or red wine while watching the city lights and traffic on the highway from a floor to ceiling glass window. God, sounds like heaven - how it melts your stress away, how you tend to smile every now and then knowing how relaxed and content you are.

But reality sets in. It’s Monday and I have to go to work later tonight. I am residing at a low-cost condo complex, renting a unit at the second floor with a view of an apricot-colored building similar to ours that can be seen from a window with curtains tied up haphazardly. The atmosphere is occasionally broken by vehicle noises and children coming out of school buses. It was almost noon and the sun’s rays were inching their way into our living room, quite unwelcome because it will surely cause an indoor heat wave again. I have a little dog that messes up the house. He stinks up the house and is bent on “destroying” the furniture.

I’m in the middle of cooking Chicken Adobo - Chinese style for lunch. Like how Joey Herrera described his flatmates’ cooking style, I’m multi-tasking. I am reading a book, playing Burger Rush on the laptop, texting to schedule an appointment with the manicurist, violently commenting every now and then to Germaine about the book she’s reading, smoking and cooking. I just threw in all the ingredients in a pot; the chicken parts I bought from the supermarket, the soy sauce, vinegar, salt, sugar, crushed peppercorn, bay leaf and anise with no exact measurements, all just by instinct.

This is the fun part. I simply cover the pot and forget about the dish altogether. After a long, long while doing other chores and activities, I run back to the pot to check if the chicken has burned. Then I discover that Voila! Chicken Adobo Chinese Style is done to perfection!

Meanwhile, the music was so good it made me drink cheap local red wine straight from the bottle. So what’s your favorite radio station?

Monday Sickness

The problem about happy weekends is the ugly truth that you’ll face during Mondays. Most of us have rest says on weekends and on my part (being on the night shift), it started 5:00 in the morning. I will abruptly finish my work and making it sure I turned off the computer at 4:59 am. By exactly 5:00 am you’ll see me rummaging inside my locker and dashing off outside the building to welcome the first ray of the sun. Feeling good about the first few minutes of my work-free time, I chatted with my closest friend at the office who is Rakel, as words, laughter, emotions and heavy puff of smoke comes out of our mouth. At 5:30 am, we’re ready to wave our goodbyes and anticipate ourselves to reach home as soon as possible.

Weekends meant home. That’s how I define it. And home means family, bestfriend and partner.

I have two sets of family by the way. If I want to spend time with my pops, my sister Nadine, my brother Jay, Malou aka Sam, and our dogs Buck and Chill, I will drive myself to Makati and spend the whole afternoon there. The thing that I wanted the most in Makati home is spending time with Trudy, our super computer with internet connection. (Yes, the bloody computer had a name). I don’t have to spend money for anything there which was great and that is something I miss every now and then.

Spending time with my mom is the best because she comes to me, tagging along my sister Arby and my youngest brother Batutoy. I cooked everytime they visit which my mom never fails to say something nasty about it. She’s a typical mom, never approves of everything she sees about my own home. She doesn’t approve about the thick ice on the refrigerator. She hates the moldy bread on top of the microwave. She disapproves about the undies which are soak for a week or two in the KFC bucket. She despised the mountain of plates on the kitchen sink. She nags about the kitchen floor and how stinky Mio (my pet dog) is. She’s a yada-yada machine while she scrubs the floor, defroze the ref, threw away the garbage, wash the dishes and do the laundry. I sometimes wonder how she managed to nag and scrub at the same time.

The wacky days are spent with my bestfriend Ivory. Every two weeks (which is pay day) is our bonding days. We watched movies or go to the zoo or a trip to a spa or drink and sang at a karaoke or whatever. It was always spontaneous.

Mostly, I spent time at home with my partner. We spend time eating whether we cooked it or order it from somewhere. We consume a lot of electricity during these weekends watching dvds and sleeping the whole day with the aircon on.

What made it so gloomy during Mondays? Because probably the fun stops there and I have to put on the seriousness of the weekday routines where I have to wake up early to prepare food for Germaine and the ache starts where she leaves for work and I was left alone with Mio and the house with never ending chores. Maybe I was missing the human contact. The emotions that I shared with them everytime we were together. The happy weekends became good memories that stained during Monday mornings. How I think very significantly that 120 hours each week will make my baby brother into a man, that I am running out of time spending day at the zoo or play games with him, or my mom or my dad will soon be called lolo and lola by my soon to be nephews and nieces, or my bestfriend and I will soon show heavy wrinkles and white hair sticking out of our heads or my partner will still be my partner in the long run while I am busy being a robot programmed to be alone, to let my love ones grow, to force myself to sleep after lunch so that I can work in the evening to make something out of myself and to earn for a living.

This is sickness, where the only day I think of time; where I always felt like crying; where I always crave for hug; where I dreamed of pat in the back; where I always hungered for love; coz this is always the day I think of the cycle of human life.

The Article

I have read somewhere that when you reach you’re 20’s, it is the period where people are busy defining themselves. It is a crucial stage where each of us is busy finding who we really are, whether we’re aware of it or not.

I can’t find the article but based on what she said, her 20’s was a total mess. Whose wasn’t? Mine was definitely a fiasco!

My 20’s started with a bang. I happened to find myself a job at a fastfood restaurant while waiting for my diploma. I quit my job right after I graduated from college and I kept changing jobs ever since. My career path was obviously headed nowhere.

My love life was no exception. I was brought up to maturity until my mid 20’s by a live-in partner and I stupidly messed up. My late 20’s consisted of changing partner after partner ever since. The pattern was simply the same.

My wealth was insufficient. I drained my savings account during the runaway event of my life and my wallet was exhausted. The money was being circulated out of my pocket bill after bill ever since.

My health smacked me big time. I was a rocker during my teenage life. There aren’t any pleasures I haven’t tasted. I develop this and that, and so I took pill after pill ever since.

My relationship with my family was a tough one. I ran away every time I did something wrong and was so afraid to face the consequences. I never fail to disappoint them. It was disappointment after disappointment ever since.

My friends were like flowers that were freshly picked in the wild. They wither after three days. Even though you try to preserve them in a jar of water, the petals slowly fall one by one, petal after petal.

To top it all, physical appearance doesn’t flatter me anymore. I used to be a cheer dancer and who will believe it now? The skirts, the midriffs, the tubes and all those skimpy clothes are long dead and gone. Even the henna and the belly button ring were absurd. I feel hopelessness every time I looked in the mirror. It was pound after pound ever since.

This is how I characterize myself during my 20’s.

In a few months, I will be 30. I know it’s a little early to write this down because at some point I still have time to end it with dignity. The reason why I’m pushing this is because the writer from that article wrote that people who reached their 30’s already know what they can and cannot change. At this point, I know them already.

I cannot change the fact that I am a graduate. I include this because it is really hard to finish school. Whether the pop quiz, the thesis, the peer pressure or the problem I encounter to pay for my tuition. It matters. It is significant. It is from my diploma I get the strength every time I was being interviewed job after job. I cannot change the fact that I am job-hopper. I don’t want opportunities. I don’t want change. What I want is better opportunities. I want a better change.

I include my educational background because I have a strong belief that I can be whatever I wanted to be if I set my mind into it.

In the love aspect, I cannot change the fact that I messed up with Jack. But looking for Jack in the people I had committed myself to, that I can change.

I cannot change the fact I have this strong attraction with the same sex. At this point in my life, I have accepted who I really am.

For the wealth part, I can change my spending habits. I can refrain myself from buying unnecessary stuffs and stick with what is really essential. I can find a way to invest on things and live a simpler life.

I can change my lifestyle. I can choose healthier foods but I cannot deprive myself to starvation. Crash diet is not my thing and chocolates are still my favorites. I can still eat them but in small amounts. I cannot change the feeling of displeasure with regards to gym but I can have my own exercise routine like walking or biking or similar activities that will not bore me.

I can change the unpleasant relationship I had with my family. I will face my fear and never runaway but I cannot change the way I stood with my beliefs. I am proud of that.

I can change the way I treat my friends. I will not make the same mistake of raining them with my problems. I will not inject them of “me-issues” to every conversation. This time, I’ve learned to be the listener, the giver, of me being a real friend.

It was weeks ago when I read this article from PDI. It was Celine Lopez who inspired me to look at myself one more time. Whatever happens in my 30’s I know I will survive for I can’t wait to be in my 40’s where people like you and me don’t give a crap.

In Panic

Yesterday we were in panic. Rocky aka Mio, (my dog) almost died. If you’re familiar with Miniature Pinchers, they’re a breed that loves to play. Their favorites are bottles and bottle caps. Mio was no exception, he loves to get empty bottles from under the sink and you’ll be surprised how he could twist the cap using his paws and teeth. He can do this within five minutes. Yesterday, while I was cooking pesto for the first time, Germaine was shrieking with panic. Mio, as usual, went under the sink looking for his toys. What he got was a bottle of bleaching fluid. He actually punctured the bottle causing the chemical to leak. We were so afraid that he ingested enough to make him die. As per instruction from the bleach bottle, we needed to make him drink milk, and that’s what we did. Luckily, he is still alive and kicking today.

Panic is our topic for today. This feeling is what I hated the most because it is associated with fear. On this state, you blab uncontrollably in a high pitch tone and terror was so visible it was contagious. The worst part is you’re thoughts are cloudy, blocked by fear. This is why Germaine and I caused ruckus in the heat of the afternoon where everyone in dhe building where having their siesta. She irritated me with the shrieking manner she relayed the news to me. All she could say was “He will die! He will die! He will die!” The best thing to do in this situation is to stay calm, at least one of us should be. One should think properly and look for a solution. Maybe this is one of the reasons why everyone is advised to stay calm during the state of calamity. The seriousness of panic attack may cause more damage due to mental block.    

Here’s the deal. Apparently, I was in panic again. I don’t know how to tell my boss later that I’m resigning. That is part of my big change this year. I want to change my career and that means changing companies as well. I was given a better offer and finally I’ve decided to pass my resignation later. My previous boss wanted a change too. He applied to a different account hoping for a big leap. He was accepted and as parting gift, he transferred me to email team, the position I’m gunning for since day one. He made me promised 100% commitment on this new job. The problem is that the offer from the other company was given later. Now it doesn’t feel good breaking a promise and communicating bad news.

In case he stumbled on this blog, I want to tell him how sorry I am for letting him down. I’m sorry that I didn’t keep my promise and that it took days for me to consider my options. I am grateful for every thing that he has done and here’s wishing both of us better careers.

Anyway, I’m still in the process of calming myself down. I believe I’m in a tense state already because I can’t think straight and this blog is a ramble. My stomach is churning and the coffee and cigarette are not helping at all.    

The Most Indirect Blog Entry That I Ever Wrote

January feels like Christmas! I feel that I was on a long holiday vacation from a different planet and I just got back from earth unwrapping each parcels under the withered Christmas tree. Most of the things that needs to be done and what should be done was over and done with. I am now enjoying the presents, the outcome, the results.

Have you ever felt worthless sometimes in your life? Have you ever felt bad about some situation? It is so bad that there’s no other option or even solution to find your way out and all you need to do is wait on what will happen next hopefully things will be okay at the end.

Then came after the dry season was rain. Options and choices are outpouring. All I need to do is choose and whichever I want will be a positive outcome. I am excited that it made me too anxious with each passing seconds.

I was on the parched state for far too long and I was glad I’m almost on the top right now. I know, what I’m writing right now was too indirect and I might lose connection here but what I’m trying to say is that this is my last chance to establish who I really am. I am turning thirty this year and as what others say, people in their 30’s were already established. I should at least set my foot on the ground and raise my forehead high six months from now.

P.S.

A lot of things will change but some of it will remain. I will still be a nicotine and caffeine junkie.

Grab On To This

Something I received through MMS..

"There are times that we just have to put a period on something that has to end and not just settle on a comma because time will come, we'll realize that it's nicer to see a complete sentence rather than seeing a phrase that's completely hanging and doesn't even make any sense."

The Traveler

Ten years ago I was wondering what I would become by 2010. There’s this fancy thought that I would become a manager in a prestigious company, a job which could support me in paying my bills. I have some thinking that I’ll be driving the same car because god, I do love my car. I have this illusion living in a nice classy condo with a partner who is a doctor or a lawyer probably. It would be lovely to think that I have a savings account and that I could really save some money, you know. I envision myself that I already went to different places like Disneyland and Nickelodeon Studio in Florida. I was hoping that by that time, I am providing bountifully with my mother and three siblings. I have a good dream you see, like everyone else, I am so hungry with each figment of imagination that I try to at least make it as doable as possible. I don’t want it to be something you can’t grasp at, like a traveler in a desert hallucinating for some water. I am a traveler who prays for an oasis and not for a drop of rain.

Now is the tenth year of that delusion and economy and my laziness haven’t changed. Everybody knows that you don’t have to rely on dreams alone. The majestic mirage on the desert hopefully comes to an end because the traveler didn’t move much. The traveler by this year was inching her way to death. Funny, if you could only see me shaking my head at those wasted time and opportunities. This year, I intend to help the traveler reach her destiny. She might take a different route and might create a different outcome but I won’t let her die. I believe in salvation and I believe in a concept of not giving up. She may not see the oasis by the end of this year but at least she had an initiative to move again to find water somewhere in any form, to humbly accept a jar of water to some travelers she finds on her ways, enough water to make her survive, to give her strength to find her back to the oasis and fill all her jar to support her to another voyage.

Goodbye to 2009

I was absent for the week. Not because I like to have a holiday vacation but merely because of health reasons. Bad trip,

So what consumed me?

• Writing this crap.
• Twilight book series which made me to conclude that Bella Swan is a professional harlot.






• Cold Case Season 6 DVD marathon which is not as good as the previous seasons.

• CSI Las Vegas Season 10 DVD marathon afterwhich I found Cold Case better.


• Boston Legal DVD marathon which confirmed my belief that lawyers are really liars and this cause one of the injustices in the world.



• Johnny Depp DVD marathon on whom I really have a big crush on.


• Quality time with Ivory Vinasoy.

• Quality time with my family.

• Quality time with Germaine and Mio.



• Cleaning the house.
• Cooking.
• Sleeping, on time.
• Eating, each time tipong chicklet na lang ang pahinga.
• Taking pictures.
• Dirty mouthing and I can even fabricate dirty fairy tale stories which Mio and Germaine love. I bet Ivory will love it too! Germaine even told me that I am developing a Tourrete’s Syndrome, yeah!

Anyway, I want to have my own cheers and jeers for the year 2009 and here it is:

CHEERS:

• For the first time in my life, I received a business letter that states that I am a regular employee. I have the chance to enjoy the company privileges at last!
• My father bought me a Nikon camera.

• I still have my bestfriend Ivory Vinasoy.
• Good relationship with my family, both sides.
• I survive another year with my girlfriend Germaine, which is hard.
• I still eat three times a day and sometimes more. (I think gluttony should be categorized as jeers…)
• Proxy really works!
• I got a copy of Wonder Years DVD series at eBay with the help of Joanna.

• Made a lot of friends.
• The birth of the first Philippine LGBT radio which is Rainbow Radio by the Rainbow Rights Project.

(logo by Maica)

JEERS:

Jeers last year are actually a smashing death list.

• Death of travel. The Hongkong Disneyland tour was a great flop.
• Death of hope for buying a laptop.
• Death of hope for cable and internet connection.
• Death of Pinoy Master Rapper Francis M which made me realize I need a cable TV.
• Death of the King of Pop Michael Jackson which made me buy his concerts on DVD and his collector’s item-In Memoriam front page magazines and downloading his songs on my cellphone.
• Death of actress Farah Fawcett na tipong wala lang.
• Death of Cory Aquino which caused heavy traffic.
• Death of the Bears.
• Death of the Team Marcial.
• Death of Brittany Murphy and it made me think that I need to get a non-voice account job.
• Death of the Ondoy victims.
• Death of the people who were brutally massacre in Maguindanao.
• Death of anti-human trafficking advocate, Finardo Cabilao. He was the former social welfare attache to Malaysia who was brutally murdered.
• Death of my vices in which are very essential to me, really.
• Death of my healthy body.
• Death of my old pictures because the stupid maid threw it away.
• Death of the hope for fighting LGBT anti-discrimination because of the COMELEC issues.
• Death of my liking for Idiotic Mr. Tulfo.
• Death of my hope for being a mother.
• Death of my liking to Alice Sebold’s Lovely Bones book which I’m itching to return to the bookstore.
• Death of the oldest person who lives in our Makati home. I love her so much.
• I remember two weeks before Christmas that our dog Hannah was really sick. She spent four days at the vet which cost P1,300 per night. My 13th month pay as well as my wallet was severely suffering. To make the matter worst, she needs an operation worth P6,500 that made me and my partner broke. You know what? It’s nothing really as long as she keeps on breathing and how hard I prayed to have her home on Christmas Eve, I made chocolates as a fund raising and the day I was about to post it on the internet she died. I don’t want to write about her anymore and I don’t want to read her story because I’m just missing her more.. I feel the twitching in my chest and I feel that I can’t totally move on by always remembering. So I’ll just leave you a picture of her and her story that was posted on Germaine’s blog. It was well written by the way.




So what’s my New Year’s resolution?

NONE. I still want it to be as spontaneous as it was during the past years.

Random Thoughts

Here are my “issues” at present:

1. Why is that every time I clean the house it goes back to the way it was – messy and dirty?
2. Why does the kitchen sink have endless dirty plates?
3. Why 2 small dogs meant bigger responsibilities?
4. Why did we buy a sofa that cannot be washed?
5. Why do we have electrical problems?
6. Why do we have water pipe problems?
7. Why don’t we have cable TV?
8. Why don’t we have a decent laptop with internet connection?
9. Why does my partner irritate me from time to time regarding housework?
10. Why do we always talk about her plans of changing work?
11. Why do I feel underpaid?
12. Why am I earning little when I actually need so much?
13. Why am I not happy with work?
14. Why does work make me sick?
15. Why don’t I have time with my family and friends?
16. Why can’t I stretch my salary?
17. Why can’t I finish reading a book?
18. Why can’t I write anymore?
19. Why do I feel deprived of having luxury time?
20. Why, WHy, WHY?

Dreams

It’s three in the morning and the weather is damp. I woke up because someone was tapping on my window. I sleepily rub my eyes and unravel my body from my favorite old blanket. The tapping was getting louder so I got out of bed and peered outside. It was Peter Pan. I opened my window and let him in. For some time he was convincing me to go with him to Never Never Land. I was ready but Peterpan said I should fly. “How can I fly?” I asked. He told me to think of happy a thoughts so I can fly. I can’t think of one single moment that I was happy because thinking of eating food is not enough. Tinkerbell was not even around so no pixie dust. He turned away and flew out of my window.

That was obviously a fantasy. It’s something what writers call “literary license” where they have the right to exaggerate things for literary purposes. I didn’t really wake up because of Peter Pan. It was a horrible dream that wakes me up. Some bad dreams lingers even if you’re awake and that makes me crazy.

So I made up a better dream on why I am awake this hour to overwrite such disturbing dream. The dream knocked on my subconscious mind and went all the way to my Memories Cemetery. He visited one particular buried memory that died when I was in highschool. The soul of that memory was disturbed and reappeared like a ghost while I was sleeping. The worst part is, I woke up with a song in my head. It was the song “Nobody but you” by Wonder Girls. It keeps on playing that one liner until now like a broken recorder. It was horrific! Hopefully this new dream that I am weaving through writing will make me feel better and helped buried it again.

Let’s talked about my fabricated dream. First, I will not rubbed my eyes cutely when I hear someone tapping on my window. In reality, with a bolt, I will sit upright like a springed clown inside the box and then I will asked “Ano yun?!”

Second, I will not uncover my body from my favorite blanket due to the fact that I sleep naked. Besides, I’m easily get scared so I might crouch inside the blanket like a fetus inside the placenta.

Third, if the tapping gets louder, I will not got out of bed to see who it was. I will wake my girlfriend and let her see who it was so if it’s a monster, she would be eaten first.

Fourth, if it was really Peter Pan, he couldn’t get inside the window because our windows are made of jalousies. Since everybody knows him, I will tell him to fly around the building and used the fire escape so that I could let him in inside the door. Once inside, I will scold him for disturbing my sleep and why a boy his age was awake this hour.

Fifth, I might think Peter Pan is a broker or a realty state agent who wanted a sale to Never Never Land because in realty, I’m having a hard time sleeping thinking about the house and lot that I’m going to buy through Pag-ibig.

Sixth, my fabricated dream indicates that it took me sometime to think about going with him. If only Peter Pan is a lesbian or if it’s Tiger Lily who approaches me, I might have say yes in an instant.

Seventh, I was ready to go with him and in reality, I do go with a strangers. That’s is one point why I’m always in trouble. I have a habit of taking a candy from a stranger.

Eight, it shows how sad I was for the past few years and I can’t think of one single happy thought so I can fly.

Ninth, no pixie dust and I should stop believing in magic.

Tenth, he left me like hundreds of people who’ll leave and didn’t get the option to stay.

*"Nobody Nobody But You" keeps playing on my head

Facebook

Today I received an SMS message that really made me laughed and snickered all throughout the day. Panalo 'to pare!

Here's the text message:

"Damn citibank jst msgd me s facebook..pati socl netwrkng kolekta!"

Walastik 'di ba?!

Uwi

Hey, I am starting to visit home again. I am brewing my coffee, hugging our family dog and yeah, eating Malou aka Sam's home-cooked meals again. I am somewhat present during family day again and I'm loving every bit of it - whether I'm taking/stealing things from them nyahahaha.

I'm itching to take a leave just to seriously post the compiled articles I wrote during the last four months - ganon katindi - but since money makes the world go round, it seems like I don't have any choice.

I am currently crazy about kid's stuffs again. The cartoons, the sweets, the pinks and yellows kind of stuffs..you see, I'm stressed about work and earning money and paying the bills and the responsibility of having two dogs at the house, it's making me ill - the lines on my forehead are starting to show and I am smelling the age of thirty. I think it's awful. I believe that I should still keep the child in me, don't you think?

All grown-ups were children first. (But few remember it).

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
from The Little Prince

I'm Desperate

Tonight I should be posting two blog entries but my files are corrupted. Great! Just great.

Ondoy

It is Sunday, 27th of September 2009 and this is not an ordinary weekend. It is my last rest day and It was supposed to be chores day instead I was just sitting at the couch staring into nothingness. God, there is no coffee in the cupboard, no decent food in the ref and no emergency canned goods lying around. The mess of the house and the mountain of laundry are irritating. It was doomsday. It was doomsday and I only have potato chips to survive.

I feel angry and upset and so I watched five lousy movies and get eight hours of sleep. I still feel livid and distress by the time I woke up and I end up sitting at the couch and staring into nothingness again. I cannot make myself do the laundry or sweep the floor for a start or maybe even make an effort of opening the bag of chips. There is something I need to do or feel or something I am waiting to happen. And it does. My cellphone was ringing and as I looked who the caller is, it was my dad. I’m battling with myself if I’m going to answer or not. Why is he calling me? (Answer it.) Did I do something wrong? (Don’t answer it.) Is he asking me to join the family day? (Answer it.) Will he be making arrangements for December to babysit my teenage sister? (Don’t answer it.) God, the flood! Is my family okay?! And so I answered it. It took me awhile to answer it but I did.

Me: Hello?
Pops: Are you okay?
Me: Yeah, Okay lang kayo dyan?
Pops: Oo. Where are you?
Me: Bahay. Baha. Two people are dead.
Pops: Somebody texted Jay, nawawala ka daw.
Me: I’m okay.
Pops: Baha pa ba?
Me: I don’t know. I don’t wanna go out.
Pops: San ka ba malapit sa Araneta? Funeraria Paz or Arlinton?
Me: Arlington. Baha pa rin dyan?
Pops: Hindi. Just take care, okay?
Me: I will. Kayo din, bye.
Pops: Bye.

And the phone call made me cry. It’s a five-minute good cry. I’m 29, independent crying lesbian. The cry clears my head and bravely, I booted the laptop, inserted my USB and opened up the Word because now I am ready to take a step inside the time machine and go back to yesterday as I write what happened 26th of September 2009.

The team building was held at my officemate’s covered rooftop. The party’s a blast as we eat and drink our P4,000.00 Sodexo (Team funds in a form of GC provided by the company) away. By 1pm, the party was ended and we were alarmed to see the flood downstairs. Babes, the guy who owned the place told us it was the first time that the flood reached their driveway. Now this is serious. From Instrucion in Espana, I dipped my newest chucks to a knee-high flood. My teammates and I are cruising Manila with umbrellas that are pretty useless as we made an effort crossing the vehicle-less main road with strong waves of flood crushing you back and forth. It was sort of fun since it gives the true meaning of “team building”. We departed at Rotonda. The team left as a team because they have one destination and that is the LRT. I was left alone and my goal is to reach Araneta Ave. and that’s where the horror starts. I folded the useless umbrella and put it inside my already wet bag. I was bathing in the rain, no typhoon rain, with my glasses on. It was a long walk. It’s been an hour before I reached the part where the flood is in my shoulders. It was scary and I sat on the jeepney’s bumper together with other stranded people. The bus was stuck in the middle of the flood, alone and we can see it from afar. It didn’t make it. The flood was deeper on that side and it was half the bus already. That same street was deeper because it already reached the Suzuki’s E. Rodriguez’s branch service bay ceiling. God it reached the ceiling! Flood and fire. People’s houses were shattered and some caught fire. Imagine houses under the flood like Atlantis? A child was drowned and seeing this before your eyes was horrible. Too horrible that it made me stare and gives me nightmares afterwards. I found my way home through begging Philippine Charity Sweepstakes to let me through their gate so I can pass thru the other gate where I lived. I was lucky, seeing Bayani St. was somehow at peace. I reached the third floor panting, packed with heavy clothes, colds, virus and in a disoriented situation. It was not long when I think about the disaster in Istanbul or the red dust in Australia. Now, “Ondoy” hitting the Philippines. How come this is not predicted earlier? Does our government have to do with this?

So there, it took me a five-minute good cry to collect my thoughts again and retell my story to someone who cares. I feel lost for more than 24 hours and I haven’t received any caring words from my family except my bestfriend Ivory up until now. I don’t blame them, probably they where in a state of feeling disoriented too and my girlfriend’s flight was cancelled twice already and was stucked in Bicol and knowing how she will go straight to her family’s house to attend a birthday party after Ondoy’s aftermath didn’t make me feel good at all. Who wouldn’t feel sh*tty?